


secure and guard

by spacemancharisma



Category: HLVRAI (fandom), Half Life VR But The AI Is Self-Aware
Genre: (rated T for language), Benrey just wants to take care of Gordon, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Post-Canon, he's a good security guard, the boys are gay and in love and working through their issues, the lightest angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27862633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacemancharisma/pseuds/spacemancharisma
Summary: “i miss you,” Benrey said quietly to the still night air, perched out of sight among the branches of one of the trees near Gordon’s house, where he had spent every night since he had his body back. He stayed close, and he watched.Secure and guard. It was his job.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 25
Kudos: 373





	secure and guard

**Author's Note:**

> relevant warnings:  
> Gordon is very mildly and non-graphically injured and has a non-graphic panic attack

“i miss you,” Benrey said quietly to the still night air, perched out of sight among the branches of one of the trees near Gordon’s house, where he had spent every night since he had his body back. He stayed close, and he watched. 

Secure and guard. It was his job. 

He knew Gordon didn’t want to see him, and he understood it completely, he couldn’t get the feeling of  _ monster _ out from under his skin no matter how much he scratched. So he didn’t approach the house, didn’t ever knock or just phase right through the door, didn’t throw himself at Gordon’s feet or into his arms to beg for forgiveness. He just stayed close, and he watched. 

By the time a couple weeks of his vigil had passed, he had slashed the tires on a handful of Black Mesa-mobiles lurking around the block, scared off a few agents in person with the sound of low growling and too many eyes peering out of the darkness, and he was in the habit of locking Gordon’s doors from the outside nearly every other night when he would pass out asleep without remembering to do so himself. Gordon was still healing, he didn’t need any trouble, and that meant Benrey had to stay away, but he could still do his damn job and make sure nobody else caused any trouble either. He also made sure to check through Gordon’s mail before he got to it, insuring that nothing from Mesa would reach him other than the regular NDA checks. Secure and guard. He was good at his job. 

Didn’t mean it wasn’t lonely. 

Gordon didn’t tend to leave the windows at the front and sides of his house uncovered, he didn’t like to have to acknowledge the world passing by around him. However, he left the windows to the back yard open, and he would sit sometimes for hours in silence, just watching the mundane drama of the squirrels and birds and keeping up with the family of chipmunks that had made their home next to the bird feeder by the window. And Benrey would sit for hours in silence, soaking in the sight of Gordon’s face like he was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He was. 

Gordon left his hair loose more often now than when Benrey knew him, and the coarse gray strands shone like silver in the sunlight. The lines and shadows of face betrayed a lack of sleep and a constant, profound heaviness of spirit, but there was no blood on his face and he at least looked like he had eaten some real food in the past week. Soft sweatpants and not-dying was a good look on him. 

Benrey would just watch, take in every detail from his hiding place twenty feet from the ground, and pop the soft lavender bubbles of aching Sweet Voice that slipped out before they could give him away. 

Tommy knew he was out there, and he had offered him a place to stay more than once, but Benrey felt sick at the thought of leaving Gordon unprotected. He did, however, gratefully take the little Sunkist-shaped plush toy that Tommy offered and tucked it into the pocket of his hoodie. If he lovingly called it Feetman and talked to it on nights when the stars were lost in cloud cover, well, there was no one else among the pines to judge him. 

Most nights, though, he would make himself comfortable nestled among the pine needles and keep watch over the soft glow of lamplight from Gordon’s living room and bedroom. He stayed vigilant until all the lights went out except for small nightlights in each room (Gordon couldn’t stand the dark anymore), and then he would wait a while longer before doing his routine checks of the house. He would lock the back door if it had slipped Gordon’s mind, and water the plants if they seemed a bit neglected. He would hum softly to himself and patrol the block, ready to waste no time making sure that no one even got close to disturbing the fragile peace of the night. 

He tended to stick to less overt and violent strategies when driving away the Black Mesa goons, preferring to simply ruin their cars, or scare them off from a distance if they got a little too bold. One time, though, some punk had heard that the man who lived in this house was quiet and jumpy and he only had one arm, and the shithead decided it would be a good idea to break in just to spook him. 

He changed his mind pretty quickly when he reached the porch and felt hot breath on the back of his neck and long, black claws pressing into his throat. The rumbled warning to  _ leave and never fucking come back _ was taken immediately, and Benrey got a shot of satisfaction at the sight of the kid tripping over himself to get away. 

Benrey wondered sometimes if Gordon ever noticed things were just so slightly amiss around the house, but he figured that if they were being forgotten in the first place, Gordon wouldn’t notice that someone else was taking care of them. Right? 

Even as the door was locked less and less frequently, almost like a test. Even when Benrey heard the sound of a thread snapping one night when he picked up the watering can. Even when his boots left footprints on the concrete where they never had before. 

It could have all been written off until the night there was a plastic bag propped against the back door containing two chocolate chip cookies and a note that read “thank you :)” in shaky handwriting so familiar that it made Benrey stagger back. 

He finished his rounds a bit quicker than usual before scurrying back to the treeline, but he made sure to stick to the shadows. Gordon knew he was here, but he didn’t know  _ he _ was here. Benrey could accept that he was no longer invisible, but he would still save Gordon the stress of knowing who exactly was lurking around and looking after him. 

Back in his hiding place, Benrey pulled the note out from his jeans pocket and gazed at it intently under the moonlight through the trees. He couldn’t help bringing it to his face, silently begging for it to smell like Gordon. It didn’t, but he imagined. He ate the cookies with a strange sense of reverence. He didn’t need to eat often, and Tommy had made sure he didn’t go hungry, but there was something profound and almost sacred about eating something Gordon had made.  _ God _ , something Gordon had made for  _ him _ , whether he knew it or not. 

A week or so more passed in such a fashion. 

Gordon’s small acknowledgments that someone was keeping an eye on things for him, and Benrey diligently staying out of sight and clutching every tiny gift tight to his chest. 

“i miss you,” Benrey said quietly to the still night air, his eyes fixed on the dim glow of the lamp in Gordon’s bedroom. He wasn’t trying to fool himself anymore. He knew he was in love with Gordon, he had been for a while, and that was why he was taking it so personally to be his protector. He knew he stayed away because the guilt he felt at all the ways he had frightened and hurt Gordon made him feel like he was drowning. He knew he could never face him. He knew he didn’t deserve the chance to sob out an apology at his feet. He knew he really didn’t even deserve to be this close to him, to look over him like this, but no one else was stepping up so Benrey just added it to the list of things to beat himself up about. 

He knew he missed him. He knew it hurt. 

The night was late and quiet, no hot, dry New Mexico wind or rushing headlights, only the familiar chorus of crickets and cicadas and the distant barking of coyotes. The faint din of the nighttime faded to the back of Benrey’s mind, and the way it blurred into silence was the only reason he heard clattering in Gordon’s kitchen and the string of curses followed by labored breathing and a high wail. 

Gordon was hurt. 

Secure and guard. Benrey was slacking on the job.

The hot wave of fierce protectiveness that washed over his entire body blocked out every thought he had that would have told him to stay put, not to burden Gordon with his presence. Gordon was hurt and he was scared and Benrey was the only one who could help. 

He dropped out of his tree into a dead sprint, throwing open the back door. It was never locked these days. 

“ _ freeman!! _ ” he called into the shadows of the house. He heard a slight gasp from the adjacent room, and noticed the heavy, whimpering breath coming from the same place. 

Benrey skidded into the kitchen to see Gordon curled up tight on the floor, his back pressed flush against the cabinets, his prosthetic clutching much too hard at his other wrist, where Benrey could see a faint trickle of blood oozing out. 

“hey man, it’s cool, it’s just me, it’s benrey, i’m not gonna hurt you, never gonna hurt you, just wanna help, can I help? let me help please.” Benrey moved slowly towards Gordon, bent low, taking in the frightened tears in his eyes and the way his chest heaved with fast, shallow breaths. 

“can i help please sir,” Benrey held his hands out flat and slow, asking permission with every part of his body. 

Gordon opened his mouth but all that came out was a small squeak that made Benrey’s heart twist, and then he nodded his head slowly.

Benrey moved towards him smooth but quick, and settled down next to him. “here man let me see that.”

Shakily, Gordon offered out his freshly injured arm. Benrey felt like the gesture of trust would kill him, but he didn’t have the time to dwell on it as he took in the damage. It was a shallow cut, ringed by the white fingerprints of where Gordon held too tightly. He was barely hurt, but the dark and the pain and the spot on his arm must have been too much for Gordon, and sent him into the panic attack where Benrey found him. 

“oh, bro, this isn’t so bad, here, let me uhh, i got your support right here, medic...,” and Benrey quietly hummed a long string of teal-to-green-heal-beam that wound around Gordon’s arm before popping against his skin and instantly restoring it to the way it was. 

Hesitantly, Benrey ran his thumb over the faint white line that was the only remnant of the injury. “there, see, all better now, all good, nothin tryna hurt you, all good, benrey here too, not gonna hurt you, nothing’s gonna hurt you, not ever again.” He felt himself flush as he was talking, but the monotone of his voice soothing back and forth of his hand against Gordon’s skin seemed to be bringing him back down, his breathing evening out. “yeah, I don’t let anything hurt you, never gonna happen, your friend benrey too big and scary, gots it all covered for you.”

Finally, Gordon’s whole body emptied of tension, and he crumpled like his strings had been cut, exhausted. Benrey was ready to be pushed away on no uncertain terms as he moved his hand to rub circles on Gordon’s back, but Gordon collapsed onto him, his head knocking into Benrey’s collarbone and his arms circling his waist limply. Benrey sucked in a sharp breath but continued the small repetition of his hand, the other coming up to rest on Gordon’s waist. 

“yeah man, it’s all good. all good now. i gotcha.”

Gordon’s breath was heavy and slow against the hollow of his throat and Benrey did all he could not to lose himself in the closeness. He never  _ dreamed _ he would get to hold Gordon like that. He had never even tried to imagine what his body might feel like weighing heavy on his chest. He was in a heaven he never deserved. 

They sat there a while, like it was normal, like Gordon always came down from a panic attack in the arms of his guard dog, barely illuminated by the street lamps through the window. Finally, Gordon coughed the tight dryness from his throat and managed to say, “So it  _ was _ you, then, yeah?” He turned his eyes up to Benrey, who wouldn’t meet them. “This whole time, you’ve been out there, looking out for me?”

Benrey muttered through his throat clogged with shame. “wanted to make sure you’re okay…. stupid little, little feetman can’t take care of himself, needs somebody to make sure he, he doesn’t get hurt and shit.”

“Where have you even been living?”

“.... tree.”

A sharp laugh barked out of Gordon’s mouth and his hands tightened in Benrey’s shirt. “You’ve just? Been living in my, in my trees for how long??”

Benrey ducked his head even further, his ears burning. “.... bout three months now.” 

“ _ Three months??? _ ” Gordon pulled back to look him in the face, determined that Benrey see the shock and horror in his eyes. “Dude, you could’ve- you could’ve said something, I’m not  _ that _ much of a dick, I wouldn’t have just left you out there!”

“can‘t…” Benrey kept his chin tucked to his chest. “bad… don‘t wanna.. don’t wanna hurt you, so… so can’t bother you.”

“Benrey,” Gordon’s voice was suddenly soft. “You’re not, you’re clearly not bad, you’re not gonna hurt me, you just said so yourself. And you’ve- you’ve been outside my house for  _ three months _ now just making sure nothing bad happened to me-”

“sorry.”

“No, no, that’s what I’m saying! You don’t have to be sorry, man,” Gordon gently tilted Benrey’s face up to look at him. Benrey burned at the touch. “You aren’t bad. I don’t know if you ever were, really. Like, yeah, you did some shitty stuff but it didn’t seem like you really wanted to or whatever,” Benrey shook his head violently. “And I mean, I’d have to say you’ve made up for it at this point, dude. I haven’t had anything weird or upsetting happen to me since you showed up, and I know that’s not coincidence. You’ve been keeping things away that would hurt me, right?” Benrey nodded slowly, still avoiding eye contact. Gordon smiled tenderly. “And you have done just, the best possible job. You aren’t bad, man. And I don’t want you to be bad. You don’t have to be that anymore,” Gordon’s voice was soft and serious and Benrey started to shake at his edges. 

“You also don’t have to be out there anymore, man. If you need somewhere to stay you can stay here,” Gordon paused for a moment before continuing. “I’m not, I’m not mad at you anymore. It still hurts, everything that happened, but I don’t blame you. I’m not mad at you, and I want us to be okay. I liked you, before everything got so shitty, you were right, we were friends, and I mean,” he rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. “I’d like us to be friends again.” 

He looked Benrey steady in the eyes as he finished, “So, yeah. And just in case you need to hear it… I forgive you. It’s okay now.”

Benrey shuttered apart. 

“you… I, uh… I….,” he fixed Gordon with a pitiful gaze, his eyebrows knitted together and his mouth screwed up, painfully expressive. “you let benny stay?”

Gordon gave him the same soft smile again. “Yeah man, I want you to.”

Benrey twisted his hands together. “i’ll be good…”

Gordon put a hand over his, and his voice was fond. “I know you will.”

Then Gordon stood up shakily, balancing himself on the counter. He offered his hand to Benrey, who took it and allowed himself to be pulled up with ease. Gordon yawned wide and rubbed at one of his eyes with the back of his hand. 

He looked at Benrey with curious, sleepy eyes. “When’s the last time you slept in a bed, man?”

“uhhhhhhhh……”

Gordon huffed through his nose and pulled Benrey gently by his hand. “Come on, then, we’re going to sleep.”

Benrey stumbled after him, eyes wide as he was tugged towards the lamplight glow of Gordon’s bedroom that he had watched so diligently for so long. When they arrived, Gordon wasted no time in shrugging off his shirt and putting his glasses and his arm on the side table. Benrey blinked at the sight of him in the yellow light. He was unbearably gorgeous. 

Gordon slid easily into bed and reached for the lamp, then saw Benrey standing stock still a few feet away. 

“Hey, come on, man, I know you don’t  _ need _ to sleep or whatever but it’s gotta feel good at this point.”

Benrey watched the empty space on the bed warily as Gordon patted it a couple times, and then he caved. He had just been so lonely, and the closeness was irresistible. 

He crawled in next to Gordon and made himself small and comfortable on the mattress. Gordon had that gentle little smile again as he pulled the blanket over the both of them and turned out the light. Neither of them dared to reach out to the other, but their faces so close, their bodies so close, the heat of their breath washing over each other, it was warm enough without the contact. 

“Goodnight, Benrey,” Gordon’s voice was low and sleepy and perfect. “And uh.. thank you. Really.”

Benrey basked quietly in the praise as he felt his body grow heavy and his mind told him, yes, it’s safe to rest here. He let his eyes fall closed and he slept for the first time in a very, very long time. 

* * *

_ God _ , he had missed him. 

It had taken Gordon a long time to come to terms with a handful of things, but looking at Benrey curled up tiny against him in the light of late morning, he couldn’t even pretend to ignore them anymore. 

First, he had had a thing for Benrey at Black Mesa. Yeah, he had been annoying as balls, but he was funny and pretty and loyal to a fault. He knew exactly how to push Gordon’s buttons, and evidently that extended beyond just knowing how to irritate him. 

Second, he had forgiven Benrey a long time ago. Tommy had explained some things one of the times they had had lunch together, and Gordon had come to see clearly what he had been unable to recognize through the haze of terror and panic at the time. Benrey had never meant to hurt anyone, it was obvious now. Sure, he had been an antagonistic little shit the whole time, but in a strange way it really had been as an extension of him doing his job, and after all the times he sacrificed himself for the team, it should’ve been clear that there were greater forces at work when he turned on them. So yeah- Gordon was soft and too kind for his own good and he had forgiven Benrey. It was better for his mental health anyway. 

Finally, the two combined to make it so that Gordon really had missed the little weirdo. He was lonely these days; he didn’t leave the house unless he had to and Tommy only came over once a week or so. He was fond of Benrey, he’d admit it now, and he would’ve killed for his company on some of the quieter and lonelier nights. When household chores started to do themselves in the nighttime, Gordon couldn’t help the fantasy that maybe Benrey was still around, and he was taking care of Gordon the best way he knew how. He had never expected to be right. 

The thought of Benrey living like an animal for months because he wanted to look after Gordon but he didn’t feel like he could ever let himself be seen made Gordon ache, and he gently brushed a long strand of black hair off of his forehead before he knew what he was doing. 

Benrey really was beautiful like this. His hat knocked to the floor letting his long, feral mane of hair fan out around his head. His eyelashes casting shadows on the eerie paleness of his cheeks, his body moving rhythmically with his slow breath, his small arms wound around one of Gordon’s in his sleep. 

Gordon had it bad and it had all come back at once. 

Benrey stirred slightly and tightened his grip on Gordon’s bicep. His voice was raspy with sleep and the sound made Gordon feel like passing out. 

“mm… you think i’m pretty?”

Oh, shit. Had he said that out loud??

He stammered as the blush crept over his ears and down his neck. Benrey blinked up at him like a reptile, a lazy smile stretching his face. 

“i dunno man, kinda, kinda gay of you, lettin’ me.. lettin’ me s-sleep in your bed and callin’ me pretty and shit, idk…”

Gordon’s face was burning so badly he barely registered that Benrey had said “idk” out loud. 

Benrey yawned and settled himself back down, close enough that his nose brushed the skin of Gordon’s arm as he nuzzled himself into the bed. 

“s’cool tho…. i’m down if you wanna,, if you wanna get a little gay..”

“Really?” Gordon’s voice betrayed him in its eagerness and he watched Benrey’s eyes open again, more alert this time. 

“well, uh…. i mean….. yeah, yeah man, i’ve like… i’m never not flirting with you lowkey, i’m like,, king of gay around here at this point.”

Gordon shook his head slightly in shock. “Wait you're, like, serious with all that? You weren’t just fucking with me?”

Benre shrank into his shoulders, his voice small. “nah man, think you're… think you’re cool and hot and shit, in a gay way y’know…. kinda thought you were just,, ignoring it so you didn’t make me feel bad or some shit.”

Benrey missed the way Gordon’s face broke into a smile. 

“Oh, holy shit dude! I, I mean, I think you’re cool and shit too, in a gay way.”

Benrey’s eyes were bright as they turned up to him, his arms tightening subconsciously around Gordon’s. 

“..... really?”

Gordon put a gentle hand on the side of his face and didn’t miss how Benrey melted into it. “Yeah, man. I've been legit into you for… I mean, longer than I probably want to admit,” he let out a small chuckle. 

Benrey turned his face to press a small kiss to the palm of Gordon’s hand. “we can….. we be gay together now? boyfriend benrey? gay more fun when it’s multiplayer….”

Gordon’s stomach flipped. He had barely had Benrey back for twelve hours and somehow they had jumped straight to love confessions in bed together. It felt right, though. They really had spent a while dancing around each other, building up their affection in their own rights, and after the things they had seen and done together and the time they had lost, it felt right to skip all the tension and just be happy for once. Gordon was going to let himself be happy for once. 

“Yeah, yeah, if you want. I want you to stick around, y’know, and you’re right, it’s, uh, it’s a lot more fun to be gay as a team.” Benrey wiggled himself closer and Gordon wrapped an arm around his waist. “So yeah, boyfriend Benrey.”

A string of small, bright pink Sweet Voice bubbles burst out of Benrey and filled the room with the synthetically sweet smell of bubblegum. Gordon felt his chest tighten with unbearable fondness. He pressed a kiss to the top of Benrey’s head, and the orbs seemed to double in number. 

“boyfriend now…” Benrey mused as his eyes glowed at Gordon through thick black eyelashes. “kiss, maybe? kiss for new boyfriend?”

Gordon laughed quietly before raising up on his elbow and leaning over Benrey, kissing him once on each cheek before slowly leaning in to kiss him on the mouth. It was slow and sleepy and it was clear that Benrey had never kissed anyone before, but his lips were soft and he tasted like bubblegum and his hands were warm on Gordon’s skin and in his hair. 

Yeah, he could let himself be happy for once. 


End file.
